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brother wants to teach in equador. family is upset. breaking news at 10.
I'm 27.
" you look eh-so young. You loook 21" says Bookkeeper.
that's because I wear spf 79 and avoid the sun like the plague.
D says he wears "spf negro". I laughed at that actually I thought it was kind of funny. But I told him black people get skin cancer too.
This morning I arrived in my office and Fed Ex boyfriend #2 was there. I smiled. We gave each other looks. I didn't sign for the package.
He called me on Sunday. randomly. I was taking a nap.. I saw "anonymous" come up on my phone but threw it on the comforter. I sleep with one even through August because I keep my bedroom like a bat cave all year round. And especially cold in the summer months.
I still haven't bled yet.
I cried when D sent flowers to me in my office. I started bawling. And attempting to cut the box the flowers were packaged in. I couldnt focus. So sarah came to the rescue. I think I had 5 pairs of scissors spread open all over my desk but I was so flustered and overwhelemed by the flowers and by the stress of the office I was fumbling around with them.
Today I ran 5.5 on the treadmill for 20 minutes, then walked 20 minutes. I saw The Spear down on the street from the treadmill, sweat dripping in my eyes.
Its funny to see one night stands. I was like "wow I slept with him. Sort of". I actually don't have alot of standard one night situations. I've slept with alot of people too. I did the most sleeping between 19-21, then I had "real" boyfriends. One for 4 years.
So The Spear...I happen to love his arms. As art objects. I should cast his arms into plastic or silicone replicas and sleep with them, have them wrap around me and hold me tight at night.haha.
9:37 p.m. - 2008-04-23
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excellent!
D: everyones job boils down to stupid things. I spend my day staring at a screen making sure people's porn works...
me: yeah but you obviously spend your time other ways that makes you feel.. like.. okay in the world.
D: if nothing else at least you work for a company that you know...does something. I spend most of my day trying to look busy...
I don't let my career determine who I am, If I wanted that I'd still be in the army.
me: well I think I need to have a career that determines who I am because I have nothing else.
D: you have plenty
me: i dont.
D: what do you feel like you're lacking?
me: i dont know... i just feel very empty.
D: I think everyone feels empty
me: you think so? i dont think everyone does. I dont think everyone acknowledges it, they can ignore it enough that its not an issue, or they do things to distract themselves.
D: so find some distractions
me: i dont want to be distracted I want to remedy it.
D: distractions are the remedy
the whole worlds on the same sinking ship
if you can't plug the holes might as well listen to the band play.
me: what if they sound like the Wild Stallyons?
8:20 p.m. - 2008-04-22
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musk part 2
I HAVE A SECRET:
I DO NOT MISS PAINTING!!!!!!! IF I COULD ROLL AROUND IN A BED OF ACRYLIC WITHOUT GETTING SOME SORT OF INFECTION IN MY VAGINA OR WITHOUT EXPOSING MYSELF TO TOXIC CHEMICALS I WOULD MERELY ROLL AND FUCK PAINT, BUT SINCE EVERYONE IS A FUCKING ARTIST, AT LEAST NEW YORK CITY, WHICH HAS AN OVERABUNDANCE OF ART AND THE HIPSTERS IN THEIR SKINNY JEANS WHO MAKE IT.
FUCK THAT SHIT.
I'M NOT GOING TO KISS ASS TO NETWORK. TO "SHOW" IN YOUR LAME FUCKING WHITE BOX CHELSEA GALLERIES.
I'M NOT BIRDANDEGG THE PAINTER ANYMORE.
I'M BIRDANDEGG THE GIRL WHO FLOATS THROUGH MIDTOWN WITH A BLACK GYM BAG AND DOESN'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT HERSELF THESE DAYS.
Letter from leah:
HI, bird, great to hear from you... so you're not getting into that program is no doubt meant to be...(bashert)... there are clearly other wonderful things out there in the world waiting for you.... GO FOR IT! kEEP IN TOUCH WITH WHATEVER YOUR PLANS ARE! ... i'M HERE in n.y. for a few days ( passover, etc. ) then back to shelter island and my work!!!!!!! look foward to seeing you next time i'm in the city for a couple of days. Love, leah(flower)
4:47 p.m. - 2008-04-21
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musk
I feel like I've fogged my brain up with boy and semen.
I feel clouded and stupid. Sidetracked a bit. Thrown off by thrusts and licks.
I fear fat and stagnancy before death.
I feel like everyone is moving forward except for me.
I'm crying because I know bestfriend is leaving to LA and shes like my only fucking friend. I fear that perhaps I'm really in love with her
I've just received an email from an old coworker with a link on youtube to a Milli Vinilli video which is making me smile alot. It also makes me want to dance but I won't because I fear another human being witnessing me not dancing, but dancing to "girl you know its true.. oooh oooh oooh I love you" yes you know that one. and you know you love it. as I do.
me: frank... frank I have no idea whats happening in my life! haha!
Frank: hahaha
me: Im finding it a little hilarious this whole waiting shit. cause nows about the time when the universe should fucking shower me with insight and clues as to whats to come because ive planned this timeline in my head for the past year and the universe is not abiding by it. I'm very slowly starting to not give two shits.
Frank: hahahahaa... well..if it makes you feel any better I fluctuate between apathy all the fucking time
me: yes.. that makes me feel better. HAHA
Frank: hahahaha
3:56 p.m. - 2008-04-21
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follow me
D and I.... we are something.. something... really like truly amazing on Saturday in my room with the blue light blazing from my stereo. So something is forming clearly despite my reluctance to start a whole new thing ( the word "relationship" is sooo passeeeee blaaaaah blah blah blahhh).
I've been superemotional, I'm expecting a natural menstrual cycle after 8 years.. how incredibly sensitive I am.. see yesterdays entries. Psychotic is more like it, but I smoked and played. Weed and vibrators.. seems to be my great way to escape in a haze of smoke and orgasms. I wake up refreshed, I sleep, no harm done.
I don't know why I just downloaded REM's best of, I'm feeling nostalgic like an ass. This journal is going to hell in handbasket!
I want to be free forever, I want to be able to travel and be alone and think alone. The thought of a committed relationship... uch.. god..
I think of walking around in suburban malls with victor going into williams sonoma feeling like wifey-god it was nauseating. I dont know how I managed to endure that shit. I don't want any of it ever. I don't want children. I don't want to be a wife... I want to live on a rocky coast and paint gray landscapes and listen to REM. I'm 27 next week. Going on 17.
11:26 p.m. - 2008-04-16
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a shout out to saul (edited)
Last night I saw Saul Williams who is promoting his new album (which is free a'la Radiohead's In Rainbows..)
Good show indeed and a WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDE RAAAAAAAANGE of people which I adored even though D and I clung together and clung to the walls we still felt misplaced in the crowd and I was wondering who else felt misplaced, and watched others who seemed to look at ease (which could have been attributed to alcohol consumption) and wondered if they really felt as ease or as weird as I/we did.
I took a cab home, it was misting you know, my hair looked terrible by the end of my night. I have a habit of talking to the cab drivers and fantasizing about going to their native land of New Dehli, Pakistan, Nigeria, Kenya and the West Indies, and I ask them how long they've been here and if they miss it and when they will go back...... and the cuisine.
And I realized actually, going through the midtown tunnel, that I write here for myself really. Highlighting moments of my life I find alot of the time unhighlightable. I need to document it somehow, and I always have. always. I'm not taking photos.. or painting.. I need to express somehow.
There are moments I consider consider magical, like laying on my kitchen floor at 3 am with someone I really am grateful to spend time with . And there are people who can affect you and will affect you if you let them and that's scary as fuck really. He pushes people away he says. We haven't slept together. I have a feeling it will be awkward, because he's so boyish in a way, a boyish awkwardness..he's not a brute, he has yet to show me this side, it lurks, I believe, in all hetero men.
and then I realized somewhere between 1 and 5pm sitting in my office that I will lose my best friend, my sister, once she leaves to LA in July, which today, feels not right in my heart and I told her to prepare emotionally and financially to go solo...and we're cool. Not lose-lose, it's Cali, not... the west indies, but we will start new lives seperatly and our relationship will yet again undergo a major shift and we know how much I LOVE change and shifts in relationships. But the medicine has really lifted a dark cloud out of my eyes, and it won't allow my brain to go to that suffocating hopeless tunnel that sucked me in for months and months... and
I'm starting to reassess my situation from a more rational standpoint other than running across the country to escape myself, and we all know that your shit follows you wherever you go.
10:28 p.m. - 2008-04-10
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d
I think I'm really liking my friend D. which concerns me a little.
All of a sudden I got an overwhelming urge to see him. And I did. And we made out in his car, and talked until 5am. We've been seeing each other alot lately... and I realized just how much I really enjoy being around him. He makes me laugh alot. That's very important to me. I could potentially move in with him and I foresee it blowing up into a full fledged relationship not just roomies if this should happen. I like him very much.
9:30 p.m. - 2008-04-06
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(no subject)
(no subject)
7/9/07
Inbox X
"Birdandegg, I am so sorry I missed your call last night, I feel like an asshole, I was fucking around trying contact ghosts. It didn't work, fyi.
So, listen, call or text me anytime tomorrow, and I will call you as soon as I am able to. I think I'm taking the afternoon off again, so after 1215 I am free, pretty much.
So, I don't know if I should try to make you laugh, or give you wise womanly advice at this point. So I'll do both??
I know, that breaking up with someone, when you are the "dumper" is sometimes worse than being dumped. Because of the great incurable guilt. So let me reassure you, as your best friend who loves you dearly: you are amazing and strong and honest for doing this. You actively ended a situation that I think was not a good one for you to be in. You deserve so much more from a man!!! From anyone in life. I think, whether you realize it consciously or not, that it makes you (speaking generally, not "you" personally) feel shitty about yourself if the person you are with isn't wanting to show you off to the world, to love you so much that it is bursting from every part of their body. I say this all because I have felt that so much from so many men. It's not a good feeling, to think that the man you love and are so open with keeps parts of himself distinctly out of your reach. Does this make sense? There is something about the impossible that is so attractive.
And I think it's so scary, to become so intimate and close with someone, and then to let go of that comfort. To accept that you are willingly letting go; I think it's not something that most people have the ability to do. And know that it exhibits a strength of character and self-respect that so few people have. The most dangerous thing is to let yourself succumb to guilt, or excessive worry about him. It will take a lot of time, and a lot of faltering back and forth, before you gain any sense of true resolution, and the deep assurance that what you did was right. And all the "what if's..." But you should never have to sacrifice any part of yourself for another person. You should be with someone who you feel drives you to be a better person, someone who can see the person you are growing into, not simply the person you were, or who they want you to be. I get really negative sometimes, when I consider this standard, because I admit, I doubt if anyone could ever do that for me, could ever be enough for me. I don't know if you feel that ever, an anger at your lack of ability to feel satisfaction.
but know it is a good thing, not wanting to settle, and insisting on realizing your own life. it is hard, and painful, to do that. but i really genuinely believe that you don't achieve anything in life unless you are willing to suffer for it.
and trust me, the horrible feeling of aloneness that fucking devours you sometimes, will become addictive. as much as i think i do, i that i should, want to achieve a sense of peace and permanence in my life with another person (a "mate"), i really don't want that at all; i am far from ready for that because i am still so far from realizing my own self. (god, i sound so new age.)
yeah, it sucks realizing that you just can't be happy prancing down the easier paths in life.
i do feel so bad i am not in nyc though. this is a weird fucking summer. it has a shit aura. sigh. yet again.
ok, i am listening to miserable music and being a miserable existential fuck. what's new.
i'm gonna go to sleep now. but call me if you need anything, and i will talk to you tomorrow. I love you and I hope you are having a decent morning.
xoxo "
I so very much appreciate this letter. I find myself wondering about him, not even missing so much really, it's not real "miss" it's not a longing to be with him. I miss moments, I miss driving down the NJ Turnpike blasting salsa and merengue, and getting into his car in midtown after he had a meeting and he's wearing a sick business suit making him look like Mr. GQ.
The first few days I cried. I cried cause I hate change, but I make change and I get angry at myself for making change even if its for the best. Then I started making out with Fed Ex men. Then I started shitting for 2 weeks from emotional upheavel. It's as if I shit out all the relationship residue. Even though I saw a doctor who diagnosed me with IBS- which could be brought on by stress.
So I've created a male fan base, I'm addicted to the attention I also have a bad case of general ennui and complete disenchantment- I'm such a selfish fuck. I feel like a junky..look at all my entries, they revolve around men who for the most part aside from perhaps 3 are insignificant to me and don't care to know me, just my vagina and I'm perfectly fine with that.
(all the 'riot grrrl' in the world did jack shit for my esteem apparently, it saved me ages 14-18, then I started having sex and became a lost cause.)
9:38 p.m. - 2008-04-04
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big packages
Lord have mercy, what is it with me and Puerto Rican men in uniforms?
Nothing like making out in the elevator with Mr. Fed Ex Ground over a hand truck full of brown boxes.
I feel like if I were to fuck him (which is probable) he'd need to keep on the uniform for sure... the black.. and purple....god we might even need to do it on a dolly also- let me live out this sick fed-ex fantasy I've created in my head over the past year and half.
I saw "The Spear" today, he was working out his quadraceps. I nonchalontly waved from afar, I'm not going out of my way to say hello. I'd hate to interupt his workout to bat my eyelashes at his lackadaisical cocky face. The ball is in his court if he ever wants to "hang out" again.
For the first time in 6 months I had a conversation with the guy who teaches my favorite class at the gym. He asked what I did, and for the first time in 6+ months I said "I'm a painter." ["but I work in an office for money."] It felt unnatural actually... depressingly unnatural. For this reason Los Angeles seems like it could foster my desire to work again, getting out of NY and all the emotional art baggage I carry. It could be freeing. I booked tickets to go out there for another trip mid May. I'm staying with my friend named Steve. I'm renting a car so I can get a feel for A) driving
B) driving in LA I'm actually scared shit to do this because I hate getting lost alone. I cry alot. I always need to know where I am. Various people have suggested renting a GPS system but I think I'd still get lost.
But today I felt like staying here might be good. Staying and moving out, leaving this job and getting something not so damaging to my psyche. Traveling again...I want to go to Hamburg Germany. Or maybe live with D. He bought an apartment in New Jersey. Our dynamic is so strange though, living together could be disastrous to our nebulous and undefined relationship, or it could actually work out beautifully. Then there is my childhood friend who is in the midst of a divorce and will move back in with her parents in June. She will eventually need to move out again as well.
My problem is is that I don't think I'm capable of anything. I'm not capable nor do I fucking care about the tasks of many jobs! I have such severe tunnel vision as to what's out there, and I'm told alot is out there. I would really like to help people, I want to work with people, this would fulfill me I think. I think. But I mention the "S" word (social work) and people make these fucking faces as if they are going to vomit.
"It's like beating your head against the wall!"
"It's emotionally draining"
"The burnout rate of social workers is sky high!"
"I know a few social workers who are so frustrated with their jobs.."
"You may as well work in CVS"
and so on... and so forth... If you or anyone you know is actually a happy fulfilled social worker, please alert me to their existence asap. Thank you.
10:20 p.m. - 2008-04-03
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bigbird
After work I went up to co-worker Emily's hood, the upper west side, she lives in a 6 floor walk up, where it's like those super authentic spaces, small-of course, but cozy, creaky wooden floors, musty smelling and a mix of utter shit paintings and (one brilliant one) hanging from her walls. We smoked on her sofa and chatted but all of a sudden she found these Sesame Street Live records from 1977 randomly in a cabinet, which was so strange, but even stranger high. Smash hits included "C is for cookie" and "I love Trash".. I feel I gazed at the back cover much too long. It's unfortunate she had no record player because I feel it would have brought me a bit closer to nirvana. So in the midst of realizing how high I had actually become I decided to leave.
Let me tell you commuting becomes around 75% more enjoyable, and with your ipod strapped into your head it becomes almost trancelike. Who needs yoga and meditation when you have weed and the 1 train downtown in the midst of rush hour?
Not bird.
Now that I've replenished my supply, expect some entries to exist and then one day not, I anticipate some moments of stoned clarity I need to transcribe from my head and then two weeks down the line I'll reread it and need to get rid of immediately upon discovering the absurdity it may contain.
9:39 p.m. - 2008-04-02
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thank you craigslist!
annnnnd just like that, the existential crisis just beats me over the head again and a suffocating cloud of panic ensues..
9:09 p.m. - 2008-04-01
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pip pip
I was rejected by London. I'm relieved.
Reaction from F: "Good. Fucking Anglo Saxon snobs and their over priced economy...."
Reaction from D: "Fuck them bitches. They don't know what they missing. Maybe they're just alergic to awesome."
3:01 p.m. - 2008-03-29
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no cities left
This week was unusually social. drunken extravaganza's and falling on cobble stones down on wall street being the 20-something I never was...Housewarming parties on the lower east side....
I'm still not sure how she's affording that place. the bathtub in her kitchen, it used to be a tenement.
My grandmother lived in a tenement house on east 11th...
Last night I had 4 martini's, two I'm usually perfect, by 4 bestfriend and I were professing our undying love for each other. We were anomalies in the wall street crowd. Well to do white men in suits. Investment, Law, Money, Money, Money...
D: How was Dr. Therapist?
me: oh it was good.we talked about social work and how I like keeping men at arms distance by choice. I know I'm perfectly able to have a long fulfilling relationship should I want to. oh... and my father.
D: good times
me: yeah no it was cool ..i was tired. im tired. and now Lana is going to wax me-now thats really good times.
D: haha, so has it gotten easier the waxing?
me:yes!!!! im a convert for sure. and then im having sushi with my friend who is the middle of a divorce. hearing this shit.. it's a sin .. them separating furniture and shit im like.. wasn't i just 17?
1:21 p.m. - 2008-03-29
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a stolen moment
I feel unusually happy, its amazing its like..a weightlessness and I'm going to welcome it for as long as it lasts, even if its only through this evening.
I was just on the train going home standing right next to a man who I found attractive, although I assessed this only through the reflection of the train window. I glanced down and saw his plaster stained boots, he must have been in construction. And we began sort of bumping into each other, of course with the help of the rocking train it became this highly highly sexual moment ..of friction and pressure of his arm just rubbing my hip/butt and we just sort of stole these 3 second long glances at each other through our reflection, no smiles nothing, utter seriousness... my heart was racing and for a moment I wondered if he was going to actually feel my ass, and whether or not I wanted that to happen and if I did should I be ashamed of this desire?
But he got off at a major stop where much of the train empties, and I didn't bother to turn around to catch the real gaze .
7:51 p.m. - 2008-03-27
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somewhere deep inside I crave ionic bonding
There is an ever changing cast of men in my world.... like I'm the neutron and then there are the protons and electrons who float around me and the electrons are the less prevalent men, who I see for a minute Monday through Friday, but think about them out work, and occasionally masturbate to even though sex has currently not been on my list of things to do. Then there are the protons, the boys I care about really, and either I'm sleeping with them, have a fantastic connection with and don't want to sleep with, or just genuinely care for. They are all at arms distance and I'm loving the fact I can keep them that way.
For 2 hours yesterday while at work the man I was in a 4 year relationship with came online, as he does occasionally.. we have these sporadic small talk conversations, short updates on each others lives, and how his mother is doing. I found I missed him very much...but what was I missing really? Feeling his body through his soft Hanes undershirts and smelling his cologne. Someone was wearing whatever the scent he wore on the subway platform this morning, I almost boarded a different train to inhale the smell a bit longer, I felt like a hound-dog sniffing for blood. The relationship ran it's course, and not an inch of me regrets ending it, though at times I miss his voice and his physical presence more than the stagnant, stale air of the relationship.
10:13 p.m. - 2008-03-26
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I woke up feeling like shit though but it was worth it.
I survived "the event" thanks to some Merlot or Cabernet Savignon... something red, I didn't look by that point, I grabbed and poured and laughed with the ol' terribly exausted and miserable co-workers.
Drank what it felt to be a whole bottle. D. picked me up and we sat on Park Ave. for an hour. I reclined back gazed at the buildings jutting into the air from his sunroof.
Back in my hood, in my kitchen we somehow ended up sprawled all over my kitchen floor, still in our peacoats and scarves. Just sprawled, feet up on the fridge, talking until the wee hours, I felt magnificent and yet, had no urge to drunkenly mount my dear friend. He is incredibly attractive to me, im aesthetically drawn to him I find him quite beautiful but yet sexually, something is missing and what a sin that is! We've smootched and have been touchy feely but perhaps I just really appreciate the innocence in that and desire nothing more.
7:59 p.m. - 2008-03-19
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their skin was fairer than mine
I don't like alot of things about myself.. things I consider weak. I think I am a weak person and weak minded and these things come out more when traveling alone. I think traveling alone is valuable time. It's intense.. but even these mere three days have felt endless, the days.. and european air.
Like clothing shopping I can enjoy museums only alone. I hit the museums in London and gazed into the eyes of dead aristocrats, their wives and the intricate detailing of their silk bodices and extravagent elizabethan collars. Their eyes and bodies mummified in oil paint and glazes and varnishes and reglazes. I was caught in the 1600's but then a group of school children came in, broke my concentration, made me bitter. Kids generally don't know how to appreciate art. They can't sit still let alone look at a still image, especially these days.
I wandered alone, wandered for hours. Took a tour bus ride of London, top decmk first seat, cold. The people next to me were what I thought were a father-daughter pair but alas, the slovenly old fat, balding old man mid 60's had a beautiful, artistic looking girl by his side, my age, maybe even younger, from the Ukraine, she made man exclamations in broken english, his english was clearly from somewhere like Idaho, or Missouri. He bought her. I was nauseated.... and intrigued, and I missed Buckingham Palace and part of Big Ben staring at this site horrified. I felt dirty.
I told this to Richard the drunken rock star I sat next to for 8 hours on the flight home. I told him this story and held his hand as we started our decent towards the land of JFK. He laughed..
He drank so much. It's so unattractive to me the drinking culture over there.
I don't drink, except for an occasional glass of red wine. Alcohol puts on weight.
He sulked when the bar closed, calling the male stewardness/bartender a "puff.
I gave him my number and told him to call if he was around the area of my office. We parted at customs as he was a "visitor". We kissed on both cheeks, I held my breath as his breath reeked of stella artois and whatever else he drank at the bar.
I don't know whether I was accepted to the program I interviewed with. I'll write another entry dedicated to the subject but as of now, I'm again lost, and not knowing what I'm doing with my life...
It's 3am in Europe.. I have work tomorrow.. back to the madness. Cheers.
10:33 p.m. - 2008-03-12
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the victoria line
I'm in London. Things are fine. London is very similiar to New York, but replace the South American population with Europeans. Tons of French and Italian.
I've never felt so disconnected in my life. The product of my generation being used to being able to contact anyone anywhere at anytime has left me weeping out of frustration in various telephone booths throuhout London. Two calling cards have been malfunctioning.
My cell phone in fact doesn't work, it was supposed to. I have no computer. Thank god for this internet cafe off Oxford Street.
I haven't eaten in several hours and have been walking, and thinking and crying.
Going to get some curry.
to be continued in NYC...
9:16 p.m. - 2008-03-10
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Los Angeles revisted
If I were to move to LA with friend, I could foresee our relationship potentially becoming slightly unsteady as we are both...very emotional.. or something.
She too is looking to make a change, a break from this city. She is a writer, she intends to write and make money by at first bartending,(then perhaps teaching) which I know for sure she would make killer money, as she is naturally magnetic and awkward and beautiful all at once.
She would relocate being "grounded" by her writing, and having a SENSE OF PURPOSE whereas I separated from my lover "Painting". We broke up around a year ago, year and a half. Devastating. Heart Breaking. Things have changed between us and we may reconcile how we feel towards each other but.... I don't know.
I've been told it's something that never leaves you. I appreciate and adore other works, though making them myself is too painful right now, too inappropriate for my current situation, routine, environment. Perhaps this is why restoring them has an appeal. This is not the sole reason by any means just one of many.
I feel making this move would either be extraordinary -like a total growth period for us both or would jeopardize our friendship because I envy that anchor, and part of me is angry with myself that I've given up mine and I would start a whole other excursion to finding myself again, but it would be finding myself on the other side. I should stress this whole situation can only happen should I decide pursuing a masters degree is not right for me. But her anchor, her writing-it's been through the muck and death. She deserves to be grounded and I'm so happy she has almost completed a novel... this is just the selfish part of me, perhaps an irrational fear, I feel our 12 year friendship can endure some insecurity- I would hope.
10:49 p.m. - 2008-03-04
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has Bikini Kill taught me nothing?
Of course OF COURSE! of course.. of course the weekend where I wanted to devote myself to NEXT weekend- London, The Spear asks to "hang out".
"When are we hanging out again?" he asked mid staircase- after a lovely hug.
"This weekend!" I say like an asshole.
Does that translate to "When are you giving me head/utilizing your stupendous picture hanging skills in my apartment again?" "come over! decorate! let me come all over your t shirt again!"
Probably.
If he wants to have vagina sex with me again then smack me and call me Sally! I thought the ol' dentata might have scared his ass.
Perhaps the site of my lucious Sephora-lip-gloss lips on my flushed post workout face eased his worries and blurred the memories.
I will suggest tomorrow night so that goddess forbid I need to recover from another self-realizing sexcapade I have two days to do it.
I am using The Spear as a vehicle for my own self discovery! How intriguing! I'm so intrigued by me right now! arent you?!
I need to dig, I have been, but I'm digging in new territory now, new land, fresh soil.
I don't necessarily think it's unhealthy mentally or physically. Maybe I've just discovered the power of my sexuality.
8:41 p.m. - 2008-02-28
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uni
Dear birdandegg,
Further to your application for admission to the Postgraduate Diploma course in the Conservation of Easel Paintings, we are pleased to inform you that you have been short-listed for interview. We should like to see you on Monday 10th March, 2008. A letter, which gives more details and was put in the mail to you yesterday, is attached.
We very much hope that you will be able to come on 10th March, and I look forward to hearing from you.
Yours sincerely,
S.
Department Secretary
I'm headed to London for 3 days!
It's either graduate school in London or starting completely anew with my best friend in Los Angeles. Two NYC chicas down to the core, moving to the westsiiiiide.
I wish I knew what's ahead.
10:07 p.m. - 2008-02-21
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man grip
I was jogging on the treadmill like a hampster but less furry and very sweaty, counting down the minutes because I hate cardio and the guy who bled me last weekend, who I've dubbed "The Spear", wandered over and stood in front of me (on the actual treadmill) and gave me the "man-grip" handshake that some men do, but tenderly, and for a second or two we had this hand embrace. I took it as a sign of "we're cool". Do I still feel the need to redeem myself? YES! haha! (sorry Rose) will I? I dont know...
10:25 p.m. - 2008-02-20
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HOLY CANOLI
I just witnessed my father stashing canoli's in the freezer like he just robbed a bank, and then throwing out the evidence (a big white cake box) immediately after. Going outside into 20 degree weather sans coat to the garbage bins. I saw him hastily eat one, or half, but I turned away in disgust and the realization that the behaviors I abhor in myself I may have learned from him.
8:49 p.m. - 2008-02-20
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friday night
It started with “do you like what you do?”, we were sitting on his couch putting super hardcore Velcro to the back of a print of Jersusalem.
He talked about things I related to 100%- about finding things that make you happy.. and finding things in life, appreciating what you have....
And not to let time pass..
So something stuck a chord with me… because I’m a female, and the sensitive, self examining man showed his face to me and I thought he is a fantastic person!
We hung pictures all over the 17th floor apartment, as we were measuring and straightening he was behind me, I felt his heat against my back but I ignored it, our chemistry was off our communication stunted somehow, we weren't verbally connecting well in most of our conversation during the night, there was nothing very sexual about our interactions, unless the hanging of the pictures together counts as something.. there was no sexual overtone the first half of the evening was light banter… but I thought perhaps it would stay friendly, light, I would get home somewhat early.. and I wondered if there was anything wrong with my body because of the lack of aggression on his part. I asked him questions about himself. He asked me nothing, I voluntarily told him I went to art school, that I had a brother who lived in Israel, and that at one point in time I worked in a framing store. Nothing was asked about me and I should have known from the second I realized this that he was after my pussy and not birdandegg.
His skin is dark chocolate and so incredibly smooth his arms are bulked, his abs are hard I had the opportunity to conquer physical perfection! I blew up his ego with my admiration that I showed mainly through touch, but as much as I can admire the male body I can and currently equally despise the person who inhabits it.
And we were watching The Office ( the british version, and the episode involved Dostoevsky trivia and I thought it was surely a sign that I was supposed to be experiencing this moment in time, exactly where I was ).. and suddenly.. we were caressing each other arms, and then he had his hands over my breasts so slow, methodical and amazing and then…
I turned into a woman, sucking cock while he layed back and moaned and became a man. I thought he would come in my mouth but he said “no I want to fuck you first”
In his bedroom, he makes me ”sprawl” he fucks me for 5 minutes I like how he feels on top of me and I feel him pounding into me, my cervix and tell him to ease up but it’s too late and I’m bleeding like I’ve been fatally wounded. Shot in the vagina. Speared even! He was ready to take me to the ER. I didn’t know how severe it was. It was equivalent to a day 2 period, nothing necessarily alarming to me, but alarming enough to scare the shit out of him. There is no pain except for the deep thrusting, no pain at all, nothing the rest of the night, bleeding subsides within a few minutes. Such episodes have occured a few times in the past before with my ex-boyfriend, though I thought I could survive without rough sex traded in for easy breezy periods.
But anyway... He turns the lights on as I struggle to grab any item of clothing to hide my stomach and breasts..
I stain his bed, his sheets and the top cover.. blood stained between my thighs, on my hands.
His condomed cock is covered with my blood, my blood in his pubic hair. We argue the cause and he refuses to believe this is caused from birth control pills. In the end I let him believe he caused me to start menstruating,…
He goes into the shower to wash, I feel dirty, I wash myself trying to hide my naked imperfect body with toilet paper that is pilling all over his bathroom floor, light pink pellets all over. I let myself feel dirty from my own blood.
He stripped the bed, while I paced and washed and was trying to come up with a number in my head “ ill write him a check for the bedding” while wondering if I’d be able to ever have sex again without bleeding because birth control can cause the cervix to become super sensitive to deep penetration, I'm contemplating going off them for fear I will soil the sheets of men nationwide.
But afterwards he lies on his back on his bed and turns on the TV, and stupid shit shows, he turns into this beast of a man, his ego is suddenly enflamed, like my cervix. I pretend to be okay, relaxing, part of me is okay, part of me believes he will never fuck me again, and that my vagina is suddenly a dentata and I'm so so dissapointed because I wanted to conquer him to show myself I could, to show myself that men are attracted to me. This was the real reason. But I also truly wanted him. He’s trying to coax me into believing its okay, that its over and done with, but its not, because I felt so awful, I've ruined this opportunity, but I sucked his cock again like I never have to any man, and he came on my shirt, on my mouth all over his lower abdomen, like a fucking fountain,, in which afterwards he PROUDLY reflected back on, languidly on his back, arms folded under his head on the tremendous “nut” he “busted”. (I immediately think of a canned nut medely, cashews, walnuts, peanuts...) It’s such a disgusting term, the man who started saying that should be shot.
I’m overwhelmed. And underwhelemed and calling my doctor first thing Monday.
11:55 p.m. - 2008-02-17
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