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Don't believe the hype
My best friend is in love. 4 real.
Though I'm sincerely so thrilled and excited for her, I reflect on myself and um.. feel a bit malfunctional given I've never really met anyone who has "blown me away". I can't imagine liking anyone that much. Seriously, if you've managed to not annoy the shit out of me over a holiday weekend you're stellar! To be overcome with a passion and desire to POSSESS. That's scary! But it's the newness of it I guess right? The whole realization that there may be someone out there in the world who can actually love you down to your bone marrow.
I realize that this state of "inloveness" is fleeting. Like pure happiness. Who the hell is always happy? (without chemicals)
Look even if I can fall in love for an hour I'll take it just to vouch it exists, and that my brain has the ability to create "in love" synapses.
I'm a skeptic bitter wench.
I have an amazing ability to dumb down.. well.. anything.
I care about D.at this point in our strange relationship. Is there attraction? Yes Do we have fun together? Yes. Do we make each other laugh? Yes. Is there like a chemistry you can slice with a knife? No.No. No! Should I expect that? Should I want that?
Is that all there is?
*cue music*
Is that all there is? Is that all there is? Is that all there is my friends? Then lets keep dancinggggg, let's break out the booze and have a ball. If thats all. There. Is.
I broke out the cabernet. holler.
So not even with X for 4 years have I felt that, not once. I loved and cared for him, but was not in love. I think it's all hype.
Find someone who will always make you laugh and will make you laugh until your 70. That's all people really want. To Find someone you can peacefully cohabitate with, reproduce and live together and age together and grow together. Maybe the "in loveness" reappears. If you're lucky. My parents are still together.
I've never given a flying fuck about it until tonight. It's the joy I hear in her voice, it's wonderful, if not vomitous (she apologized profusely for her gushing)but I'm still a cunt somewhere who might actually be jealous of this joy. She pretty much been fucked over by every man who ever entered her life, fucking lost a husband to suicide when she was 22- she deserves this joy. Even if "this" isn't real. Right now it's real in her life. This is me, yet again, internalizing what I think my shortcommings are. The inability to relish. I'm working to change though readers, I will lighten up.
11:15 p.m. - 2008-05-28
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